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Movie Review – Alien Covenant

by on May 21, 2017
 

The Short version of the review for Ridley Scott’s long anticipated Alien Covenant is….

There is just one simple way of saying it. It is probably best to just yank the band-aid off!

This movie OVERALL when said and done=SUCKS!!!

Sure, it had its moments…and to give credit where credit is due (and with this movie is hard to do) the following items were at the very least commendable and in some cases exceptional:

The visuals, the score, scattered actors’/actresses’ performance throughout the movie, alien designs/effects combined with gore factor were terrific. I desperately want to be part of this universe and get all of the answers to the Alien puzzle and the Engineers; the would be creators of it all…you know some of those BIG point issues and questions brought forth from Prometheus.

Last but not least the best part of the movie was when the first credit hit and the ATROCITY of movie that you just wasted your  hard earned money on is finally finished and you can go home and play some games or weep quietly in a corner and try to figure out what the hell really happened to this movie.

Again this movie BLEW! Figuratively and Literally.

Need more reasoning as to why I think this movie was such a epic flop? Scroll further down the page for a more detailed assessment of movie.


if you follow the Frak then it should be no surprise that I was very excited to see this movie, and overall as a existing and relevant series, Aliens is one of my favorites and undeniably a very “terrifying” creation/character that could scar young children for life!

In the past decade alone there have been so many great horror and suspense films that elevated the bar in what it takes to deliver on a great movie, one that makes you anticipate every scene. The one that keeps you on the edge of yours seat as to what may be lurking around the corner NEXT. The kind of movie that really makes you question if and more importantly vested in whether or not these people can survive or how do they get out of this one?

These are happenings within movies that can be overly predicting at times and at the minimum= eye roll inducing. It would be hard pressed to argue that after {because of the majority half,including} Alien 3 the series has been a decline.

It is up to the  (makers of said movie) to elevate the story telling. To answer questions from a predecessor soundly and not with more questions plugged in and about a laughable and predictable chain of events. I do believe many years ago ‘Cabin in the Woods addressed so many things about what to do and don’t, and creating a movie that makes the viewer watch in suspense, terror, unknowing…fooling us, being smarter then then what we have seen and keep us guessing at every scene.

There was quite a bit of hoopla surrounding this movie being made and of course Ridley Scott being on board, of course this guy has done his homework. He has got to have been paying attention to the “game” these past few years and is really, really going to deliver on some Alien masterful work for the masses. What Aliens needs and where a lot of people believe Prometheus went wrong. There has been plenty of years between the completion of the last film and plenty of time to dot every and cross every in this script and film. I was a true believer my friends.

“Was” meaning past tense…

Hold on to your seats! It’s gonna get ugly!

This movie, is a movie full of really questionable choices and poorly executed decisions, and truly WTF moments (and not the good kind) one that has become so predictably tiresome with this series and horror movies as a whole; recycling the same type of shit The same type of tropes, stupidity, and the ability to telegraph every scene; every what happens next moment, and quite possible the most painful of them all= a grand opportunity to make something amazing, a story for the ages! The potential in this movie existed…

On paper, I bet it looked great! Those trailers…man I was hooked! I got my tickets early for Thursday 7pm show!

I am going to forgo the traditional type of review, for quite honestly I have expended far too much energy into this movie already. So let me tell you about all the things that did not work. If you would like to hear the full scoop, plot line, almost every nook and cranny of the film then check the podcast with guest co host Joe Boykin from Project Pixel Art. 

LINK AT BOTTOM OF PAGE…

Here are the issues:

– What is the deal with science fiction movie engineers who design these amazing vessels that can traverse the universe for light years on end, have the ability to create food, oxygen, water in the void of space, and of course generally filled with a collection of the greatest minds and abilities of mankind. The “assumed to be” one of the last efforts of man to survive within this universe. This is a colonization mission preservation of life, a survival of human existence type of stuff…yet, they forget to design a escape mechanism for the cryogenic sleep tubes.

I have recently watched two different space films (the other being Passengers) where a life is either put at extreme risk up to and definitely including death (goodbye Capt. Franco we didn’t even know you/what a horrible way to die too!). A simple release lever, button, emergency unlock code, or something DAMMIT! This would of saved a life(s). It really is a pathetic miss and giant “what the hell” moment if you really think about it….but with out a doubt there are so many more things to bring to attention.

-chasing a rogue John Denver signal to a planet in which you know really nothing about…a ship full of over 2000 people, one of them is sure to be a historian (right?). Is there no one on this space ship that would know John Denver died in a plane crash? This is quite possibly the first sign that going off route is probably not the best decision here (the XO agreed). If Im one of those passengers, I want a motherf***ing vote on that! Only 7 years to the right destination? Whoever wants to get back in their tubes then do it, if not keep a eye on us and make sure no sh** happens while we sleep! SIMPLE RIGHT? Pretty obvious what the real choice should of been…but nah!

-if ever there was a sign from the universe (If you believe in that sorts of stuff) that you should not go on this planet it could quite possibly be the giant super hurricane that is clearly visible from said spaceship!

I am not a astronaut or anything cool like that but I would vote not to go on this planet!

Another perfectly good in your face sign that this mission is probably going to be a bust, even some of the crew were trying to warn the acting captain.

DAVID                                                               WALTER

You would think,”what are the odds” that in this vast infinite void of space, the final frontier, undiscovered country, and all that galaxy far far away stuff; that this group of explorers could come across a lone android model of the same making as the one that is currently traveling with them. NO QUESTIONS REALLY ASKED (from human crew). What are the freaking chances?! I completely get some crazy shit just went down, but look where this android is taking you; through the valley of at least a hundred thousand dead?!

This android also creepily cuts off his hair to make it all the more confusing (to audience I guess) and strange from a behavioral standpoint…yet, nobody but the android asks questions and only to the other Android!? And still nobody really asks any meaningful questions..like this is the normalcy out in the far reaches of space; This being=STUPIDITY!

There is a scene later where David tells the captain of the ship (whom has been having a real bad day from all of his crew being right about not coming to this planet then dying and shit) who is looking upon a face hugger pod for the first and last time, “Go ahead, look inside- You will really like it”. You don’t need to have even seen the movie to know what happened next.

Oh and it gets better with these two Magneto’s…just you wait!

Neomorphs looked cool…super adorable when born; minus all of the spine breaking and rib cage shattering bust out. When they stand up in there puddle of blood and ooze, you can’t help but think, “Aw, they are kind of cute!” Like a reject baby Groot or something similar, but way different…and it will kill you.

This movie BLEW! Figuratively and Literally….(first one was David, this one is Walter!?!)

What the Fuck was this scene about? Why oh Why! I shit you not folks….this was the dialogue between the two android Magneto’s while one was teaching the other how to play the flute…I mean recorder.

-Blow gently into the hole

-If you blow with enough force while I gently finger the holes then….some shit about a music…

-you must gently apply enough pressure to the holes while grasping the instrument for best results..

-thats it, you are doing it, now let me….

Then yes, there was the android on android (Magneto on Magneto) kiss moment!? I was laughing my ass off…as well as half the movie theater if not still wincing in disbelief as to what the hell is happening to my Alien movie!!!

TIME AND PLACE PEOPLE!!!!

YEAH YEAH…Alien fight was cool, at least the first fight on the outside of the spaceship with the crane. It was kind of a homage I guess to the payload mech fight against the Alien Queen of sorts. It was a good somewhat original way to take out this xeno-morph.

BUT SPEAKING OF good ways to take out a the last alien standing…how about we blow the alien out of a AIRLOCK? I don’t think that has ever been done before in a Alien movie before….

ever…

Look bottom line this movie was a complete train wreck, it should be the nail in the coffin of Alien movies for quite some time…if not, then this is with out a doubt the last time Ridley Scott should be left alone to do anything with this franchise again.

I have officially checked out of this series!

Listen to the podcast if you need more justification folks…you have been warned.

This movie is officially=  DOO DOO!